My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
