I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
