i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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