Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
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unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
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I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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