It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
