I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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