I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize