It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
