I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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