im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
