I don't usually arrange sex via text message
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
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No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
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You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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