Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So squirting runs in the family.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
