life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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