Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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