Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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