Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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