just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
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there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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