My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
