There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
