Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize