I just cut my nipple shaving
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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