i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
