I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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