I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
