She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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