Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
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this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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