I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
