My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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