I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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