I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
