just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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