I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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