I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
