I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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