There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
