I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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