When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
