my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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