He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
