so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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