I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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