I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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