We named our party play list daddy issues
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
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