I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
