If that was your dad, he is hot
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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