saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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