Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
