Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
MIDGETS
????
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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