Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
