I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
