9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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