A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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