I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
