I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
