It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
